A Wonderful Christmas

We flew, on Christmas Eve, with my parents up to my brother and family's abode in NH. The travel day, sadly, felt a little short of the Christmas spirit. We couldn't help but notice the lack of joy in the airport shuffle, not to mention an absence of festivity or decoration anywhere. But that's okay, because our family felt the joy inside...we were about to be reunited again!

This was the first time that Jimmy and Charlie have been to Andrew, Colleen & Matthew's home. Madi and I had made a trip together in fall of 2009 before we adopted Daniel. At the time, we had some skymiles to use, and it was a nice Mommy and daughter weekend getaway. It was so special, on Christmas Eve, to see my brother, sister-in-law, and my nephew, Matthew, again on their home turf.

The kids were initially shy, as children tend to be, but that didn't last long at all. Once we arrived back at home, they got right back into the swing of things. Charlie loves Matthew...treats him like a big brother, and Madi always loves being with Matthew, too. We could, right away, sense that it would be a fun-filled trip.  After dinner, we got the kids ready for bed, knowing that Santa would soon be on his way, and we headed to bed early ourselves.

The kids sprung up early the next morning. We had prearranged to assemble around 7 a.m. to see if Santa had been there, and yes indeed, he had!  Madi got the marker maker she wanted, along with a few other unexpected surprises, and Charlie received an elf that was the only item on his list. We're still not sure if it's the elf he expected, but it's the elf that Santa gave to him, so that makes it special.

We attended Mass together on Christmas morning, which was so special. During the Prayers of the Faithful at Mass, I took notice that people from the congregation were voicing prayer intentions out loud, which they do not do at our home parish in FL. Upon a slight pause, I (loudly) blurted out "For the orphans of the world!" but since I've never done that before, I failed to follow up with "we pray to the Lord." There was a few moments (seemed like hours) of silence until everyone in the crowd finally responded with "Lord, hear our prayers." Naturally, my spontaneous outburst embarrassed Madi to no end, and my family got quite a kick out of the awkward moment. Oh well...it's about time I get to start embarrassing my kids a little!

After Mass, we headed back to the house to get into the real gift that Madi's been waiting for...the SNOW!

Even though Madi had ventured in cold territory before, she was very young, and hadn't experienced what she hoped to witness this time around. And her wish came true from every aspect.

On Christmas Day, it was all about enjoying the snow on the ground. Madi and Charlie rolled in it, rolled down it, and even learned how to creatively sled with cardboard!

 

Day two brought more freezing fun, and the kids thoroughly embraced a good snowball fight with Daddy.

 

We were also blessed, that day, with the icing on the cake...a fresh snowfall!  Madi loved seeing the snow fall from the sky, and made the most beautiful snow angel ever!

 

Charlie was having so much fun that we caught him literally freezing his booty off!  And he didn't even care. Nothing was going to stop him!  We did manage to find him a belt, which helped for obvious reasons!

Day four brought a visit from my life long friend, Maureen, and her family. It was so great to have some laughs and catch up. The kids crossed another goal off their list...they built a snowman!

 

On the fifth day, we visited the horse, Rainbow, that Matthew frequently cares for and rides as a hobby! The kids enjoyed feeding him (and the other horses, including Spirit--Rainbow's son, pictured) apple slices and mint candies. They loved it; although Madi was a bit paranoid about losing a finger and Charlie was most interested in finding a farmer.

We also enjoyed some quiet down time together, and the boys bonded over their LEGO building skills.

Bubba is always the center of attention in the kids' eyes. But it was Jimmy who proved to be champion of entertainment this trip. The kids were constantly running, screaming, chasing, and playing with him. He's so good at being a big kid.

 

The day before our departure, we celebrated Matthew and Colleen's double birthday. Yes, Matthew was the ultimate birthday gift to his mother eleven years ago!

We made some great memories this Christmas in New Hampshire. Enough to last a lifetime.

Hope.

This first week of Advent was all about hope. And I felt it so intensely.

HOPE

As we prepare our hearts in anticipation of the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ.

HOPE

As we prepare our hearts for another child in our home.

I am at such peace with this adoption process, and I have complete faith that God's hand is in all of this. I feel patient, even with the wait this time around. Somehow, I've found the way out of my type-A shell, and I am letting God. It feels right.

We received an email early in the week that the orphanage is willing to send our little one for a new MRI, since they haven't sent the original for whatever reason. As I mentioned before, Jimmy and I will gladly pay for this new MRI. Believe it or not, in China the MRI will only cost $200 U.S. dollars.

We also received another new piece of information...a CT scan report from 2012. We have forwarded the report to a couple of trusted medical professionals, but again...we realize that we want "the real thing," which is why we have asked our agency to proceed with our formal request. Whether the information helps us decide to bring this child into our family or someone elses, we do believe that it is money well spent for this child's future.

Jimmy and I received, on Wednesday, notification of our appointments with USCIS for fingerprinting on 12/18...another important step in the process that we look forward to knocking off our list. 

As we enter this second week of Advent, we have a nice surprise visitor at our house. Madi is in her second year of CCD classes, and since the beginning of the semester, Sister Lucy has been rotating a special statue of the Blessed Mother among the students. When I picked up Madi from class today, I noticed she was holding a big red bag. I had forgotten about the statue, which Madi has so desperately wanted to bring home, and I asked her where the bag came from.

"I GOT MARY!" she replied so proudly. 

I don't know why but I became very emotional. Weirdly, I couldn't stop crying. I guess it just seems like a beautiful and very fitting time for us to have the Blessed Mother's presence in our home, and I felt like it was a sign that the Holy Spirit is with us.

I pray she brings us miracles this week.

HOPE.

Round two.

It's taken me a few days to bounce back from our second garage sale on Saturday.

But let me just begin with this...

WE RAISED ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

We are SO blessed by our community. Again, people showed up to donate items for the sale. Again, friends came and overpaid for items on purpose. Again, some friends made an appearance only to give a donation. And again, we had angels who broke their backs to help us through the sale.

Blessed. 

There were some crazy lows...the haggling is such an ugly place sometimes, and I lost patience in the battle more than I'd like to admit. And though there wasn't rain on the forecast anywhere...it totally poured. A deluge. Sadly, it ruined a lot of things. I thought Jimmy was going to cry. But then, suddenly, he didn't have time to cry, because Charlie and his little buddy had decided to pour 1/2 jar of dried worm food into the turtle tank. Thank goodness for Madi, who came running out to deliver the news, but she was devastated because she felt responsible. And that was after Charlie decided to touch Peter, our Christmas elf, which had Madi in a troubled state to begin with. It was shaping up to be a Murphy's Law kinda day.

Then came some amazing highs. Jimmy removed himself from the scene to clean the turtle tank. Thankfully, he made it back out front in time to see the RAINBOW, which had formed at the very end of our driveway right before our very eyes!! It only lasted for a few minutes, but we saw it. And it seemed like we were standing right next to the pot of gold.

We felt HOPE.

And you just know, by now, that there's always a special story to share. Well, toward the tail-end of our sale, a beautiful family whom we know from church, pulled up. Seeing them was such a bright spot, and their timing was so perfect. The Holy Spirit, indeed.

Their daughter handed me a card, with a generous donation clipped inside, and it read:

Dear Murphy Family,

I found money on the ground. Although I tried to find the owner, I could not. I decided to do good things with it. First, I gave some to the Core Ministry. Then, I planned to do something helpful at Christmas. My mom told me that you were going to adopt another child and I thought that I can donate some money to you. I hope this donation helps.

Love,
Lauren

Seriously?  Oh, my heart. People just amaze me. What a testament to the goodness of God on this Earth. And from a young child's heart no less. 

The sale ended early, once again, due to the weather and the fact that I was rescued by a commitment to speak about adoption at the 4 o'clock Mass. Time in the Lord's house was exactly the peace and calming medicine that I needed for my soul. And you won't believe who the altar servers were at Mass..the sweet girl who found money and donated it to our adoption, and her brother. Amazing, huh?

Our timing for these sales was perfect. Banyan Creek, Madi's elementary school, happens to be having a clothing and shoe drive this week. We delivered four huge Hefty lawn & garden bags and one large box full of clothing and shoes. I think we might've filled the bin!  And our church, St. Vincent Ferrer, is already collecting items for their Spring rummage sale, so they are going to get the mother lode this week! It feels so good to give in the midst of all this receiving!

Thank you, thank you to ALL of you on this journey with us. It takes a village, and we sure appreciate ours more than you'll ever possibly know.

Where we're at...

First of all, Jimmy and I were blown away by the encouragement and support we received after my last post. The Holy Spirit prompted my to share this journey publicly, and I'm so glad that I listened because those of you who commented have given us so much insightful input, and some of you provided trains of thought that we'd never even considered. Thank you for your honesty, and for understanding how incredibly difficult this is. We are in a much more peaceful place now.

This was one of the messages that hit me the most, sent by someone who I've never met, but gave us so much to think about from a different perspective:  

"My heart is telling me that God sent you the MRI. It was His way of giving you a heads up that perhaps this little girl belongs with another family for whatever reason. Perhaps there is another child that is meant to be your son or daughter and that will never be if you harbor guilt for saying no and decide to proceed. There are many more ways I can try to express what I am saying, but I think the true test is are you strong enough to say "no" because you need to do what is best for your entire family? I think your child is out there waiting for you to find them and you should proceed in doing that without any guilt or worries what others may thing. That is the real and true unknown."

So, this is where we're at...

We are trying to use both our hearts and our heads in this decision. One of the "conditions" that Jimmy and I agreed to in this fourth adoption, is that we will try--to the best of our ability--to add another member to our family whose medical issues and needs are not so severe that they might take time and energy away from our other two children. We are aware that there are many unknowns in the adoption process in general, and that it is--by nature--a leap of faith, but we also realize that we must go into this with our eyes open. When you adopt a child with medical conditions, you complete a checklist of conditions that are acceptable within your family, and honestly--for whatever reason--neurological issues have never been on our radar.

I know, to some, that "criteria" may seem shallow--or perhaps heartless--but the truth is that we are somewhat old and we don't have much in the way of financial resources. And if you don't know us personally or aren't familiar with our family's adoption journeys, special needs and unknowns aren't new to us. Two of our sons came home with medical conditions, and one of those sons, who had congenital heart disease, now resides in Heaven. He was a gift from God, and we were blessed to have him in our lives for four months. Daniel will live forever in our hearts. Our profound loss, I'm sure, is subconsciously adding to the emotional conflict that's taking place within us.

Since we already love this child, this little beauty half a world away, and we do believe that the Lord has placed her in our hearts for a reason, we are not ready to close the door with this new diagnosis. Several of you suggested that we get the actual MRI for this child, rather than relying on the report of the MRI. Some have asked, "Are you sure that is her MRI?" Good question. We are not sure of anything. And if it is her MRI, was it read correctly?  And translated accurately?  

We have now officially requested the actual MRI of her brain, and we have also offered to pay for a new MRI, if that's an available option. Even if we decide that her diagnosis is more than we can handle, we are hopeful that this information will help the family who's destined to find her, if it's not us. 

All we can do now is wait. The brutal truth is that, if we are unable to get our hands on this piece of the puzzle, I fear that we will be unable to proceed with all the current unknowns. It breaks my heart to say that, but we have to remain faithful in God's plan, either way. 

On the back of my book, With an Open Heart, I have written this, "What happens when you have one plan, and God has another? Do you still believe?"

If this precious child is meant to be in another family that's better served to care for her, then we have to accept that, and yes...we will still believe and we will continue to trust in God's plan. But we will still love her.

Having said that, we are not ready to give up HOPE that she is our daughter.

Please keep praying for our baby and for discernment. Your prayers will be treasured.

Laying it down.

I'm sharing this publicly because I really feel like we need your faithful prayers. If you haven't read it already, I'll ask that you take a moment to read the post before this one, so that you are caught up.

Just a few days after my last post about our daughter, we received some news that would change everything. Well, almost everything...

Our baby girl's primary medical diagnosis, all along, has been a somewhat "treatable" bone disorder generally caused by a Vitamin D deficiency. She was also noted to have developmental delays that had no tangible explanation. We thought her inability to speak and her late walking were all side effects from rickets and life in the orphanage, and we were ready to deal with it. 

Last week, we received an update containing the most beautiful photo of her, and the wonderful news that our match had been pre-approved. Reason to celebrate.

But along with the photo, we also received an alarming MRI report that had surfaced out of nowhere. It was from an MRI of her brain that had been taken when she was one-year old, and it indicated that she has a very serious brain abnormality--one that is not likely treatable. I felt the walls crashing down around me.

As you might imagine, Jimmy and I were devastated. My tears flowed for two days. We felt so helpless about all of this. This match felt so right, and it felt so good. I mean, I just wrote my last blog post about how much we love this child, and do you recall this mighty quote given by a friend?

"I think that it is perfectly normal to have fear, even when the child is meant to be yours. But courage is not the absence of fear, it is action in the face of it. Anything that might come up that you weren't expecting, well, you will rise up to meet that challenge and it will feel like a privilege to do it because you love her."

And do you recall my response?

"And each day, as we've looked at our baby's precious face, we've realized that we do love her, and we simply can't afford to be afraid of the unknown. Or we might just miss the blessing of a lifetime."

So...what has changed? We still love her, and we still might miss the blessing of a lifetime if we say no to this precious child who has already found a place in our hearts.

Do you have any idea how difficult this is? If I were carrying this child in my belly, would I deny her a chance at life? NO...I wouldn't. So, now, because we've received this new information about her, we're contemplating whether to accept her or not?  My heart aches right now...

Jimmy's reminded me that we can still love her, even if she's meant to be in another family. But I still feel like she's meant to be in ours. As I type this, tears stream down my cheeks. This is a painful process.

We've already had two trusted medical professionals indicate that her condition is "not good." And the more I learn about this diagnosis, and all that the unknowns "could" mean for her future, it sometimes makes me want to curl up into a little ball, and I feel certain that we are in no way equipped to handle her needs. But then each day brings a new feeling of hope. This week, I am trying to get this MRI report to some pediatric neurologists for review, and we will remain hopeful for something...some shred of evidence that this isn't as serious as it seems.

Will she be our daughter? I don't think we're prepared to answer that yet. I hate that we are fearful. I hate that I have written a book about listening to the Holy Spirit and leaping in faith, and now we are the ones who are afraid to dive in with both feet. I feel like our faith is being tested, and we're not passing the test right now.

I hope that you won't pass judgment against us, whichever path we choose to take. We are human. It has been a difficult week, and this is not a comfortable place to be. We have two children who we need to consider in all of this, too.

Please pray for our baby girl. Please pray for our discernment.

I know the sun will still shine, but I will grieve the loss of this child in our family should we choose not to adopt her. I am laying this burden at the foot of the cross, and I have to remain faithful that God will show us the way.

Our Baby Girl

Many have inquired, "Do you know who she is yet?"

The answer is yes. We know who she is. Our love for her is growing already.

I can't say too much, because we haven't received confirmation from our agency (and China) that she's officially "ours," but inside our hearts, we do feel like she is meant to be ours.

I also sense that there's another book in the making here, but for right now, I'm just going to record the short version...

This time around, I have felt a strong calling to the "waiting children," those with moderate to severe special needs who have been designated as "special focus" in order to match them with families expeditiously.  This has been a much different experience than the referral process with our other three children, whom we trusted our agencies to match us with. This time, I felt strongly urged to seek her out...to find our daughter, and then file the necessary paperwork to make it happen. So, over the summer, I began looking at files and searching to find our baby girl.

I remember the night I first saw her face. Her eyes called out to me instantly, and I immediately contacted the agency that held her file. It was not an agency that we'd worked with before, but that didn't bother me in the least. Since I've been part of the Waiting Child Advocacy Group on Facebook, I've learned a lot about the various reputable agencies and how they operate, the dedicated people who represent them, as well as the angels who advocate for the waiting children designated to these agencies. At that time, I also reached out to the remarkable woman who was advocating for this child who'd captured my heart. She has become a good friend and a true source of encouragement.

For two months, the kind-hearted and efficient agency contact worked with me. She tried and tried to get updates from the orphanage where our little one resides to no avail. Her file hadn't been updated since she was a baby, and we continued to receive only sparse details. Jimmy and I didn't feel comfortable moving forward without more information, yet I knew in my heart that I didn't want to lose her.

During that time, we moved ahead with our home study. I knew we had a couple of months in which our home study process would take place, so that gave us some time to try and get the information we needed.  But then, time flew by, and finally, our home study report was ready. The only thing missing was the name of an agency. Jimmy and I sat down one night and had a heart to heart about this child, and our agency. That's when my husband sincerely divulged that he would really feel more comfortable using thte same agency that brought us our two sons.  There was one big problem though. Our daughter's file was not with them.

Suffice it to say, a string of miraculous events took place, and the agency who held her file graciously released her to our agency for us. This compassionate woman, who could have scripted this story differently, truly acted on behalf of the child, and chose to help us. We are so grateful for her decision. But there's just so much that happened in between. So much that I'll have to save for another post...or a second book perhaps...

Jimmy and I have, honestly, both encountered temporary waves of fear, mostly about her health concerns, that kept us from initially saying yes to this child. And it bothered me. I mean, didn't I write a book about listening to God's promptings and leaping in faith? But then every time I've had a weak moment, the Holy Spirit has brought me something...some sign of HOPE, some confirmation that we should trust God and fear not. In a few cases, even a friend or family member has delivered a message of faith and hope. One of those inspirational messages came from a truly amazing mom named Andrea, who currently sits by her precious daughter's side, as she fights for her life in a hospital bed on life support. Andrea took a few moments to share a piece of her strength and grace with these words of wisdom...

"I think that it is perfectly normal to have fear, even when the child is meant to be yours. But courage is not the absence of fear, it is action in the face of it. Anything that might come up that you weren't expecting, well, you will rise up to meet that challenge and it will feel like a privilege to do it because you love her."

She is so right. And each day, as we've looked at our baby's precious face, we've realized that we do love her, and we simply can't afford to be afraid of the unknown. Or we might just miss the blessing of a lifetime.

So, in our obedience to God's calling, we submitted our Letter of Intent several days ago to bring her into our family, and we are now waiting for confirmation. It could take weeks...it could take months.

So, are you dying to see who she is?  I know...and we're dying to tell you all about her.  But we can't share just yet.

Time will tell, and God willing, she'll be our daughter.  Please pray for our baby girl.

Adding to the Murphy Mix

The start of National Adoption Month seems quite apropos to share this post. This one's been on my heart for a while...

The waiting children.

There are so many of them out there in this world...an estimated 150,000,000 orphans longing for a family to call their own, and some desperately needing the love and support of a family without even knowing it. It burdens my heart. Child advocacy is an act of God, and I am constantly amazed at how I see His hands and heart working through countless, loving people who make it part of their life's work to advocate for the least of these. Once again, I have seen miracles come from Facebook and Yahoo groups. 

As I found myself, this year, verbally advocating for "the least of these" to friends, I realized that it is our family who needs to answer the call once again. The Holy Spirit has been totally working on me this year to bring home one more. I suppose I began strongly feeling this call from above at the tail end of 2012, when I wrote this post.

And the intense feeling just kept growing and swelling within me.

I prayed for months for the Holy Spirit to open Jimmy's heart, too, since I know that this will be a burden on his shoulders, financially, given the advent of his new real estate career this year. But I knew that eventually he would warm up to the idea. After all, my husband has a heart of gold.

That brings me to our BIG, joyous National Adoption Month announcement...we're going back to China! We started building our dossier over the summer and our home study report is almost complete. We have officially applied with Holt International Children's Services, the same agency who brought us our two precious sons.

The fact is...we may not "have it all," but we have enough to give to another child, especially when you consider their current living conditions in an institution. And we have enough love in our hearts. That is what really matters, isn't it?  I guess some would argue that it's not, but we believe we'll reap so much more joy and happiness by having another family member to love.

We are wise enough to know that we won't be able to do this alone, so, I've decided to start a "Trading Stuff for Love" fundraising campaign to help bring this child home. And we are going to sell some of our "prized possessions" knowing that the end result will be so completely beautiful and worth it.

I'll likely be posting these items through our With an Open Heart facebook page.  If you simply "Like" the page at your convenience, you will be able to view the TSFL posts and you can bid on the items (kinda like a silent auction) by sending us a message with a bid/donation amount. The highest bidder gets the item. Pretty simple, right?  Lord, I hope it works...

We humbly ask for your prayers on this journey. And for discernment about that child--our daughter--who waits for us. She will have special needs, and we pray that God equips us to meet them.

We realize that not everyone is called to the adoption ministry, but we have been. It is our sincere desire to say "yes" to God, and through our obedience, we hope and pray that He will be glorified, and that another child will come to know Jesus through the love of a family.