The Telephone

 

I recently decided it would be a good idea to see if Lulu could commit my cell phone number to memory, and I never - truly - thought beyond safety reasons. She now knows my "phone password" by heart. And she's not afraid to use it. When I see the house phone on the caller ID, I know it's her before I even answer because she's the only one who uses it now.

"Hello Lulu," I say without pause.
"Where ARE you now???" She responds in the same demanding, almost desperate, tone every time.

I have to admit that - at first - I was really frustrated by her persistence, and I am ashamed to say that it started to feel like an annoyance. I was met with a child on the other end who didn't understand why I was away from her and there was usually an onslaught of tears, and even rage accompanying the fear of abandonment. I knew I had to answer if I could. Once I left my ringer off by mistake and picked up my phone to find 8 missed calls. I knew they were all from her.

Then one day, the Holy Spirit grabbed me and breathed grace. I took a step back from my own selfish pettiness and basked in the astounding wonder of it all...the fact that she was able to memorize my number, for one. But even more, to embrace the wonderful notion of our daughter knowing that she can pick up a phone anytime and hear Mama's voice when she feels insecure or lonely. Sometimes she just wants to say "good morning" if I'm exercising and not there when she wakes up. Sometimes she wants to call me to say "good night" on the occasion I'm out at a meeting or with friends. The calls are getting better, and they are getting shorter. Each conversation brings her closer to the security and peace in her mind that I'll be home soon.

I will never again answer her calls without pure gratitude that she's able, and willing, to call me...even if it's ten times a day. This child never had a mother's number to memorize before. For nearly six years, this child never had a mother at her beckoned call.

I am grateful that Lulu, and all my babies, have the ability to reach me whenever they want to, and that they have a mama to call at all. Thank you, JESUS, for these precious gifts.

Random thoughts about middle school

It's been way too long since I've written here in this space. And--as I started to share yet another social media post--it occurred to me that I want to preserve these random thoughts about middle school in more than a fleeting way--I want to save them for our eldest to reflect on someday. I want Madi to always know just how amazing she is to me.
 
The highlight of her classes, from my view, is that she's taking band for the first time. I think this is an unexpected highlight for her, too. The testing and instrument fitting process took place last week and Madi was granted her first choice--the oboe. She was the only one chosen for this instrument in her class of twenty-some kids, and the teacher made it clear that it's a bit more complex than some of the other instrument choices. That didn't scare Madi, naturally, and she likes the fact that much of her practice will be solo. Thank goodness the Lord shielded Jimmy and me from the rental costs before the interview process, just saying, but I can hardly wait to hear the first sounds from her lips through that instrument. I know it will be one of the sweetest tunes I've ever heard.
 
I'm so proud of all the new "firsts" for our first born--she's riding the school bus home most days because the afternoon pick up is far too chaotic and boring for three over-tired little ones. She's already taken four tests in one day (makes me queasy thinking about it, yet she takes it all in stride). Heck, last night she was showing my mother a Powerpoint presentation she'd made in school, and I completely disregarded it thinking she'd pulled up the Apple website!

My favorite favorite thing about this year, by far, has turned out to be our morning drive. I thought it would be. I know many opt (many out of necessity) to utilize transportation services (bus), but honestly? I cannot say enough about how special that much-needed quality time is for the two of us each morning. We're fresh and unscattered, and we're ALONE. It's a recipe for the best of conversation, without interruption or distraction since I drop the little ones at school an hour earlier. It's kind of a holy mother-daughter space--in the form of a morning commute, and I'll take it. If there's one thing I'm acutely aware of (and have been warned of), it's that middle school has a way of churning up all kinds of hard times. And I love, love, love that we'll have our own personal block of time carved out to chit chat about anything that comes our {her} way.

Yesterday morning we talked about the fact that our little dragon is not actually "shy" but "reserved" rather, and we laughed about how far that apple fell from the tree. I learned about a few of Madi's new friends, and it went something like this: "In this class, I helped my friend (insert name), and in this class, I helped my friend (insert name) with this assignment. And, in band, I helped (insert name) with her homework. Lord, I love that Madi feels such value in serving and feels friendship with her peers through sharing her gifts and talents. That just warms my heart completely.

Actually, most things she does warm my heart completely. I am in awe of this girl...

SVF Bible Camp 2017

Bible camp always proves to be one of my favorite weeks, and this year, I went back to leading the snack station. I had done this for a few years in the past, but when Joey and Lulu came home, I switched roles to be their group leader in the camp, because I didn't want to miss a thing about the experience for our little people.

But this year, I was needed back in snack, and I knew that there would be one huge bonus managing this post again...Madi! Since she'd aged out as a camper, I had the opportunity to have her on my team. And WOW, was our team AMAZING!!! Madi and Ana seriously could have run the ship on their own. They made solid decisions, and their work ethic was second to none. These girls were exhausted by noon, and it was crystal clear why!

The down side, of course, was missing everything that the littles were up to. I must admit that I took a few extra trips to the bathroom so I could sneak a peek at them in action. Thankfully, the group leaders and other station leaders were so kind to inform me of their special attributes and happenings each day. And I know that sometimes our kids do shine a little brighter when Mommy's not around to coddle them. This is what I learned through the wonderful people who chose to share with me...

I heard that Joey has a beautiful artistic eye and that he catches on to projects at lightning speed. He needs minimal direction and supervision.

I heard that Charlie, our sweet little dreamer, asks the most deep and intense questions...ones that left even the religion teacher wondering. This year's camp was dedicated to Our Blessed Mother, and through the week, Charlie talked (at home) about numerous visions of Mary. I love that his head was filled with such beautiful thoughts and dreams of her.

 

 

 

I heard that Lulu, our determined little spitfire Lulu, is a wonderful sport who loves playing games, and even wins them sometimes. She was assigned a wonderful pal named Brooke who made her week extra-special. Lulu makes those around her become better people, because she lives out loud, makes people laugh, and doesn't see any limitations within herself.  If you don't see the miracle within her?  Search your own soul.

 

I am truly blessed each year to be involved with such a loving community of faithful and giving mothers! Yep...still one of the BEST weeks of the year.

A field of Glory

How do I explain the swelling in my heart--the utter gratitude I have to our Lord for these precious gifts?

This child, a mere ten months ago, was restricted to the confines of a building. And last night, she ran free on a soccer field--no boundaries; no limitations. It's almost too much to digest sometimes...

At the end of her first official soccer practice, the coach asked the kids to get down on one knee. Lulu lost her balance and toppled over every few seconds, but she wouldn't surrender and maneuvered back into the formation that had been asked of her. Our daughter remained on one knee until every other child--and coach--was back up on two feet. 

 

Before we left, the coach handed out the jerseys for the "Pink Flamingos" team. My heart started to race as I hoped it would all go down in a good way. And then he pulls out jersey number one. If he only knew how this Mama's heart begged for my daughter to have that number. It means the world to her. You see, for five-and-a-half years, she never knew what it was like to be number one. All kids are treated equally in orphanages (for the most part), and it's only now that she's learned what it feels like to receive the honor of being first sometimes. It doesn't always end up "good times" in our home because of this, but on this occasion--on that soccer field--it did. 

"Who wants to be number one?" the coach shouted out. In a split nanosecond, Lulu's hand nearly touched the night's sky as she screamed out, "Me! Me!" I nearly melted. There wasn't an ounce of competition, praise the Lord. The other kids, and the coach, chuckled as they handed Lulu the jersey and bestowed upon her the honor of donning number one. It was so much deeper than they even realized.

Parenting Lulu isn't the easiest job we've ever had. But, Lord knows (and our mothers, too) that parenting us wasn't easy either. It's a privilege, and that's not lost on us. Sometimes in these moments, I feel so small and humbled when I sit back and reflect on all she's been through, yet she possesses such determination and might in spite of it. We learn many lessons through these children, and we thank you, Heavenly Father, for calling us to your field of Glory.

Eight

Our Joey turned eight last Saturday. We had a quiet celebration over at Bubba and Grandpa's house where she made his favorite dinner of spaghetti and meatballs. Grandpa Murphy and Miss Suzanne joined us, too. I made an attempt at a Pokeball cake, which he loved.

 

Our son, our treasured son, is such a homebody that he opted not for big festivities this year. I ran twenty different scenarios by him of fun things we could do, but when it came down to it, he just wanted to be home and asked for his best friend Mason to sleep over on Sunday. I love that about him--he's so easy to please with the simple things. We ordered Chinese food and the boys played Xbox and enjoyed their time together.

I have a hunch this is going to be a good year for Joseph. He's working on overcoming some big hurdles still, but I feel some major breakthroughs coming his way. He's grown so much and continues to amaze us. He's such a good boy. And eight looks great on him.

Survivor

After Lulu's MRI in the fall, we received a follow up call that pretty much indicated "nothing really new" was learned from the images, so when I made Lulu's follow up appointment that required us to wait a couple of months, I hadn't expected to learn what we did today. And, honestly, I wasn't prepared to see the images that I saw. I won't be posting them publicly because they belong to her, but I wasn't prepared--at all--to see such a sizeable gray space on our daughter's brain images that it forced me to gasp for air. She is a walking miracle. And, honestly, Lulu amazes me even more now knowing what a fighter our girl is.

The images gave evidence of a significant bleed, and based on the nature of the damage, the neurologist believes that Lulu's brain injury occurred before 28 or 29 weeks of gestation. And based on the placement of Lulu's not one--but two--injuries on opposite sides of her brain, she also surmised that Lulu may have been injured intentionally--that she may have survived an abortion attempt. Yes, you read that right. I can't even type it without tears flooding in. I don't want to engage in a pro-life debate here, but to think that this beautiful child may have survived an act that would've erased her presence from this very world? How do we even digest that? How do I ever thank God enough for this precious gift? We'll obviously never know the whole story of Lulu's rough beginnings and whether this is truly what happened to her in utero or not, but we can surely praise our ever-loving Father for breathing life into Lulu, for protecting her against all odds, and for giving her to us.

As far as the damage, we can also thank God for making babies brains with such incredible plasticity. Had Lulu suffered this type of injury later in life, it may have taken so much more of her movement and function away. I asked how all of this will affect her. The neurologist said she's not one to predict the future. Lulu is dealing with a compound effect given her institutional delays, but she is doing so incredibly well, and God made her with one heck of a determination. She is crazy bright and so full of personality. The doctor explained the damage in this way: Imagine a small office of ten people who are maxed out in their workload, and then three of them are let go. Now you have less people with an overcrowded workload and that results in some issues...some things fall through the cracks, some things are forgotten, some mistakes are made, and they get angry and handle things the wrong way. You get the picture...that's what's happening in Lulu's pretty little head.

When Lulu was recently baptized on the fourth Sunday of Advent, as we waited to celebrate the birth of Jesus with expectant hope, my mom and dad gave her a beautiful "Simple Blessings" cross and wrote this, "The small simple cross is a symbol of the power of simple blessings. Lulu is twice blessed; first by surviving a difficult birth, and secondly by catching the eyes of Lisa and Jimmy Murphy.  That is “Spiritual" fate." When my mom wrote that, she had no idea how much of a survivor her granddaughter truly is. I pray those waters of baptism will continue to heal her and protect this precious child even more...I pray that her life will glorify God in the same miraculous ways in which she was born to live on this green earth. We baptized her with the name Jane (her middle name) meaning "Gift from God." And that she surely is. Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ, King of Endless Glory.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Seven months with Lulu

The last I posted about Lulu's progress, it was after three months home. And these past four months? Well, let's just say it's been quite the whirlwind...time has flown by.

 

So let me back up...summer was such a great time for family bonding and for Lulu's overall transition. But then when the school year kicked in? It was like trauma set in all over again. We figured the school part out and acted quickly, thank God, but I believe the backlash wasn't just about her new schedule. It was also a trigger of fear-based behavior seeing her siblings leave the nest, too. So we were faced with a couple steps backwards for Lulu, and I'm not gonna lie...it was hard to see (and hear) her major emotional breakdowns all over again. Hard on her, hard on us, and hard on her siblings. And I know some of you are shaking your heads and saying, "Lulu? Not Lulu." But yes, friends. This is what happens behind closed doors sometimes when children from hard places finally get to their comfort zone at home--it's a time of testing boundaries--mostly to see just how much you'll love them--even when they're at their worst.  Lulu even managed to fracture her big toe in the middle of an epic meltdown. But the beautiful thing is? All that "letting it go" has moved our daughter into forward motion again, and here at seven months, I can honestly say that I think we're back to getting our groove on. Thank you, Jesus. And do you think for a second that a leg cast to her knee on one leg and an AFO brace on the other would slow this girl down? Not a chance. She is one busy bee.

About two months ago, shortly after I posted about her new bed, Lulu decided that she wanted to bunk with her brothers. So she left that beautiful princess bed for a time and chose to sleep on the floor between her brothers' beds. We were fine with indulging her. We knew she wouldn't make that choice forever, and I'm sure it felt cozily familiar to her sleeping arrangements in China with multiple children in one room. The boys weren't always crazy about it, Joey namely, but he suffered through it, and we reminded him that it wasn't so long ago when he came home and had the luxury of a built-in roommate in his brother. She just needed a little bit of the same. And just like that, one day in early November, she jumped back into that princess bed for good.

Lulu LOVES school still. I look back now and wonder what we were thinking to skip the important developmental step of preschool for her. God knew better! Yes, she is in a six-year old body, but she's so much younger in so many ways. As my friend Jennifer so beautifully stated, "Lulu never got to be two and throw fits and be awful and know her Mommy still loves her. She never got to be three and choose only pink clothes and pink cookies and pink toys and be understood and indulged. She never got to be four and cry and panic and watch everyone else cry and panic when they say goodbye to their parents at preschool. Now she won't be rushed to behave and sit still and pay attention. She can roll on the carpet and eat Playdoh and cry, and no one will call her a baby. Florida kindergarten isn't like other states: with half days and nap times- we push our kids and Lulu shouldn't be pushed she should be hugged closer." Amen to those sentiments. The smaller (10 kids) and playful environment is precisely what she needed. She adores her teacher, affectionately called "B" and the three-day school week could not work out better to meet her needs.

Our Tuesday and Thursday mornings have been filled with physical and occupational therapy and for extra mommy time. For a couple of months, our Thursday mornings were also filled by a beautiful sister-in-Christ, Jeanine, who graciously offered Lulu play therapy sessions. They were a Godsend during a very rough patch, and I believe that those sessions were instrumental in helping Lulu find peace in her tumultuous season of transition and upheaval.

I am constantly reminded (based on poor decisions basically) how Lulu's world still needs to be kept small. She is very easily overstimulated and that's when she tends to spin out of control. We plan to be very cognizant of this during the holidays, as we did with Joey his first year home. So far, so good. Separation anxiety is, for the most part, a thing of the past now! Lulu frequently takes outings with Daddy and easily says, "Bye bye, Mama" with complete trust that I'm coming back. She's stayed home with our favorite sitters, Jules and Ashley, quite often and willingly went over to Bubba and Grandpa's house with the boys while Jimmy and I took Madi out to dinner alone one night. It's a wonderful and gigantic step in her progress! I mean HUGE...this was a real hurdle for her and it's a relief to know that she finally trusts that we ARE coming back.

Lulu finished her first cheerleading season with The Miracle League. What a wonderful, unplanned blessing it was for her! She loved having a sport that she could call "her own." There was an occasion when big sister suited up to help as her buddy, but Lulu put up a fuss, and we finally figured out why. She wanted this to be all her, without any assistance from any of her family members. She wanted us to watch her every move, and she was so proud of herself, especially as the main stunt girl! It was awesome. 

Medically, our brave little girl is also making great progress. She wears her AFO leg brace (mostly) without complaint. She does four hours total of physical and occupational therapy each week, and you can definitely see that her left side is becoming stronger. Thank goodness for her determination, which certainly doesn't hurt!

 

It's overwhelming to think of the major progress this child has made in so many areas. I think of simple things--like her staring at an ipad in China without a clue how to operate it, and now she swipes that tablet like nobody's business. I remember trying to color with her on our first airplane ride in China and how she would take a crayon and strike certain areas without rhyme or reason. And my oh my, how her skill has blossomed...

Lulu's language is coming along so nicely. Just recently she's started putting together some sentences of five or so words. The most amazing breakthrough has been her recent ability to ask, "Are you mad at me?" It sounds crazy, but it's been transforming for her to articulate this! I'm starting to suspect that many months of meltdowns were for fear that I was angry at her. Who knows why...maybe she sensed a disapproving look or tone from me? Or maybe that's what she was used to in China? Anyway, her newfound ability to verbalize her concerns allows me to say, "No, Lulu. I am not mad at you" and to explain my thought process in that moment. It gives her great relief and perhaps more of an understanding of my reactions and feelings. I believe that this five word question has spared her a world of fear, and has prevented many meltdowns. I'm so thankful for these positive developments in her language. She understood much of our language very early on, but now she's beginning to better express herself verbally.

We've celebrated many "firsts" with our little girl over these past few months. She lost her first tooth. She helped carve a pumpkin, went to her first Pumpkin Patch and dressed up as a good witch for her first Halloween. We celebrated her first Thanksgiving together with Grandparents. She sang in her first preschool performance. And she had her first playdate sans Mama. Lulu is thriving in so many ways and she truly is a beautiful soul! We are so excited for her first Christmas with a family and all the joy that it will bring. Praise Jesus for all He has done. He is faithful!