Thursday, January 30, 2014

Typing through Tears

I've had some recent events that have allowed me to somewhat suppress my emotions this week. And now, I'm about ready to explode.

On Wednesday we made the bitterly painful decision to set our baby's file free. Even though we've had a while to prepare our hearts for this, we're doing a bit of grieving around here.

I wrote about how we'd fallen in love and submitted our Letter of Intent to adopt her here. And then, out of nowhere, we received a piece of medical information that changed everything. I posted about it here. But Jimmy and I still weren't ready to let go of HOPE for this child in our family. I posted about that here.

As you know from my last post, we paid to have new MRI images taken of her brain, and we have had them in our possession for a couple of weeks. Almost immediately after receiving them, we were able--thanks to the goodness of two radiologist friends--to first confirm that the MRI reports from China are consistent with what's on the actual films. That was a valuable piece of the puzzle, which allowed us to cover more ground with the information we had.

Then there was a silence...a period of time where we began to feel helpless, because it seemed like maybe we were not going to hear back from any of the three pediatric neurologists who we'd sent her file to, and we clearly needed to figure out what the next move was going to be. But even as we waited, we continued to trust God's plan, and with that came a true sense of peace.

Last week, I set my prayer intentions on a sign...for the form of direct answers to help us make our decision.

We received a phone call, on Monday night, from one of the pediatric neurologists who'd received her file. Based on the information he reviewed, he felt certain that we should not adopt this little girl whom we've felt so hopeful about. He listened patiently as I told him all about our journey, and how God had placed her in our hearts for a reason, and how we just needed to know for sure. This kind-hearted man heard the desperation in my voice, and for nothing in return, he said that he would be willing to take a look at the actual films for us.

Jimmy delivered them to his office on Tuesday. It was my birthday, and as I celebrated that day, I hoped for the long-awaited sign that I'd prayed for. Nothing came.

The next day, it was Jimmy who answered the devastating call that came from the doctor. He confirmed his initial findings, and delivered the disappointing message that after seeing the films, he stood by his recommendation not to adopt her. We were both afraid it was coming, and it was the news that neither one of us wanted to hear.  At all.

Shortly thereafter, I received another email from the second pediatric neurologist, who was described, by a nurse and friend, as "one of the most intelligent, wise, compassionate, and kind doctors I know. I think she has been a pediatric neurologist for probably 40 or 50 years, and her patients love her for her knowledge, communication skills and honesty." She, too, recommended that we do not proceed with the adoption.

But couldn't they have it wrong? Because I really want them to be all wrong. With God, aren't all things possible?

Someone reminded me that that means letting go is possible, too, if it's in the best interest of the child.

Deep inside, we knew--for her sake--what we needed to do. I called our agency that day and asked them to release her file. Typing that makes me feel so sad, and sick, but we needed to set her free.

I needed to set her free. 

We still had the option of sending a second round of questions to China about her, but you know what? I totally felt, in my heart, that at this point it would be completely selfish to hang on to her any longer. We began to realize that there isn't anything more we could find out about her that could alleviate the advice of every medical doctor who's reviewed her file for us. And that hurts. Because we simply don't have what it will take to meet this child's needs.

It pains me to say that we don't.

All glory to God, we have been so incredibly blessed by an army of friends, and even strangers, who have come together to help this child whom we had named Olivia Hope.

If there's just one thing that's been crystal clear in this adoption process, it's that God wanted us to have all of the information in our hands.

What we are still unsure why.

Because we still have complete faith that she was placed in our hearts for a reason, I will advocate for this sweet girl and I will find her a family.  We have compiled so much information about her, our precious Olivia Hope, that we have to believe it will help her, and that God's perfect timing will prevail for all involved.

We trust that God knows who our daughter will be. But, for now, we will grieve this loss in our family, this precious baby girl who will be another family's gain as their daughter.

Will you please pray for her? Will you pray that her family finds her soon and gives her all the love she deserves? 

Please, I beg of you, please do.

Typing through tears...

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